Milk Goddess

I've been thinking about blogging about my experience with breastfeeding and after much deliberation I decided to hit the keyboard.  Perhaps you can blame it on our cultural views on it, my personal experience researching breastfeeding, or just being shy about the word breast but for whatever reason I had apprehension about posting this blog. 

First and foremost there isn't much information out there for EPMs (exlusively pumping mommas) and I think often we feel out of the loop.  Unable to connect 100% to breastfeeding or formula moms we are in that weird gray area.  I gained much assistance from fellow EPMs and in the first few months I relied on their experience and advice to get me through those tough moments.  Had I not known it was possible to be a EPM I know I would not have been able to stick with it.  Second to labor (perhaps I will blog about that too!) its been the hardest thing I have done as a momma but so worth it!

Well, enough with the small talk lets get down to the good stuff.   Here's where my breastfeeding journey began.

I have always wanted to breastfeed.  I thought what better way to bond with your child, its the most nutritious, and heck its free!  While pregnant I read every book I could get my hands on cover to cover, I had a great Doula Melissa, and I researched like a mad (wo)man.  I knew it would be tough but I was ready!   In anticipation to feed my little one right after his birth I began whipping the ladies out I was so excited.  This means that all our birth pictures are unfortunately for our eyes only... ahh hind sight is 20/20!  I have truly never felt so much joy in my entire life.  I was extatic, fullfilled, and overjoyed all at once.

While at the hospital over the next few days we frequently nursed.  Cooper was losing weight which is typical and I met with the lactation consultant several times just to ensure we had the proper technique.  Everything looked good; we just needed practice.   And so we practiced ... constantly.  I felt like I was channeling my inner Brazilian... constantly topless just a lot less tan and minus the g-string.  I would like to say we figured it out and after a few days we had these joyous moments lounging on the couch nursing watching Law and Order re-runs.  Unfortunatley, that just wasn't reality (except for the Law and Order that definitely happened).  Everytime we tried to nurse he screamed.  The more he screamed the more I hated it, the more I hated it, the more he screamed.  It was like a nightmare.  I was tired and worn out and he was hungry.  The first night at home Jay and I were sitting on the bathroom floor crying as the exhaust fan was the only thing that would calm him down and even that was temporary.  I can remember asking what did we get ourselves into?

Thankfully, we had family with us to get us through and provide support.  Not used to breastfeeding though some at times were what I lovingly refer to as bottle pushers.  "He's hungry, just give him a bottle."  "He's starving Alisha!"  As a mom this absolutely killed me.  I didn't want to think I was starving our baby but I didn't want to give up.  I knew it was going to be hard I just didn't realize how hard.  The second night my milk came in at full force.  Cooper though still wasn't interested and eventually (perhaps from all the screaming) he tuckered himself out and fell into a really good sleep.  I was struck with a dillema do I wake him to try to nurse or do I take advantage of the opportunity and let him sleep.  My personal philosophy is to always air on the side of sleep... it's that precious!  But luck would have it I couldn't sleep.  I was so engorged I thought I was going to throw up.  It was painful, uncomfortable, and downright annoeying.  I tried all the techniques I had read about but nothing was working.  Desperate not to wake Cooper I decided to go against all that I had read and pump.  As they machine began to make its signature "re-er re-er" I felt wonderful relief.  What was even better was when Cooper woke 2 hours later I was able to feed him a bottle of nutritious milk and the most beautiful thing happened- no screaming!  Through the weekend I continued a combination of nursing and some pumping.  Slowly but surely I was gaining some mommy confidence and felt a tinge of my sanity coming back.

On Monday we went in for his check up and was told he was losing too much weight.  When we discussed with our Dr. our feeding habits he said I just wasn't producing enough and needed to supplement with formula.   I explained that perhaps I could continue to increase my pumping to which he was very indignant that was innappropriate as 'God didn't intend for a pump'.  I was shocked.  I have nothing against those that use formula but you are going to tell me that I should use something man made to supplement but how dare I use a pump?!?  I was furious, confused, and felt an extreme sense of inadequacy.  I felt that I was starving my baby and what a bad mother that made me.

Still hormonal I was very upset and called our Doula Melissa for support.  I needed someone to tell me I wasn't starving my child.  That it could work and that I should trust my gut.  She was fantastic and provided the support I needed.  So I nixed the formula idea and started on a strict pumping schedule that I got from another EPM.  I pumped every 3 hours for 15 minutes at 3am, 6am, 9am, 12, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm, and midnight.  Determined to increase my supply I guzzled water and focused on positive meditation during pumping.  I knew that the Dr.'s comments about not producing enough were causing a lot of anxiety so to counteract that everytime I pumped I visualized (don't judge me!) a milk goddess.  Now what might you ask is a milk goddess?  To be completley honest it made me laugh but it worked, I envisioned milk (lots and lots of milk) flowing down creating a large milk river that led to a milk ocean.  It passed the time and helped change my focus from inadequacy to abundancy.

I celebrated every increase in ounces as witnessed by the above picture which was a few days into my pumping schedule.  I was so excited to hit 3oz that I texted this to my mom!  I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. By the second week I was producing consistantly 4 ounces every session and by four weeks I was up to 6-8oz.

At four weeks old I cut out the 3am pumping session.  Even with the loss of this session I still was producing more than Cooper could consume.  At 12 weeks old I had enough of a frozen storage to feed Cooper six 4oz bottles for a week! 

Every time I opened my freezer I felt a sense of accomplishment looking at all that frozen liquid gold.  It was a tangible representation of all the work I had done and I have to admit I found myself opening my freezer just to look at it.  While I gained pride from my frozen supply I still found myself somewhat frustrated with having to exclusively pump.  I continued to try to do it all nat-ur-al (said with a twang) but Cooper hated it.  Through this process I questioned whether to continue many times.  Pumping is not easy for many reasons:
 1. I was constantly washing bottles and pump parts.  There are two bottles, two horns, and two valves to clean every session.  Not too mention washing the bottles every time Cooper ate.
 2. Pumping can be quite boring.  You just sit there and I began to really despise pumping.  I felt left out having to be tied to the pump. 
3. The time schedule can be restricting.  In order to work you have to stick to a strict schedule otherwise there will be a decrease in supply.  My pumping schedule became a crucial element in planning every outing.  How long we would be away from electrical source was a constant consideration.
4.  You feel like a cow.  Seriously, I think I may have begun to moo!  With nursing there is a beauty to it but EPing is just a noisey machine with hoses that you are attached to 24/7.  It is hard to maintain your sense of a purpose with EPing.  I combatted this by connecting to other EPMs to share stories and frustrations that no one else could quite possibly understand.  It was my saving grace!  (I am thinking of that sushi lunch Ashley!)

Eventually, (at about 3 months for me) you come to a place where EPing is your normal.  I can't say that I loved the process but I did love the outcome.  At the same time my husband and I deciced to relocate 9 hours away.  My biggest concern... what about my supply?!?  It was too far to travel with it all and maintain appropriate temperatures so I donated a large portion to our sitter who was planning to adopt a little one in the coming months.  With the loss of the majority of my supply and a transition to a much less structured job I struggled to maintain my pumping schedule.  At 4.5 months I realized I was struggling to keep up (all due to not maintaining a consistant pumping schedule) so I did start to supplement with formula.  I noticed a few things when we introduced formula. The first was his spit up increased and it had a sickly sweet odor that literally made me nautious.  The second was a fast spreading exzema.  His skin went from super baby soft to large patches of extremely dry skin.  This spread at one point to cover his entire back.  Nothing worked to fix it... I tried lotions, cremes, oils, and doctor visits.  Upon further research I found that for some babies they found an allergic reaction to formula increased risk for exzema. 

Determined to get to the source of this new skin ailment I thought I should cut out formula to see if there was a difference.  Back to a 3 to 4 hour pumping schedule (7 hours at night) I was able to cut out all formula within a week.  One week formula free and the exzema was completely gone.  Now over a month later I do have a days supply stored at all times and stretch pumping to anywhere from 3 to 6 hours depending on my work schedule for the day.  I am not sure if I will ever get to my old stockpile numbers but this works for us.

One of the positives of going through the trial of getting rid of formula was I was really sick of washing all those parts.  (You might be thinking how is this a positive?)  Determined to provide only breastmilk I started to offer nursing more often just to see if I could get away with not having to pump (and therefore not wash all those parts).  All of a sudden it worked!  Not only does it now work but wait for it... he prefers it! We may have taken some strange detours but by gone it we finally achieved what we had worked so hard to achieve.

So the moral of this, a bit long, EPing story is stick with it.  Don't feel guilty for not liking it.  Trust your insticts about what is best for your family.  Seek out others to share in the trials and tribulations.  And last but not least always use a wide nipple to reduce confusion ;)